Xi Assures Pakistan That China's 'Unbreakable' Friendship Includes Free Mediation for Any Dispute, Even Family Arguments

PM Shehbaz thanks Xi for offering to mediate between his mother-in-law and his wife, calls it 'a game-changer for domestic peace'

BEIJING — Chinese President Xi Jinping today reaffirmed that China's friendship with Pakistan is "unbreakable," a term diplomatic experts say is roughly equivalent to "best friends forever" but with more Belt and Road Initiative debt attached. The declaration came during a meeting with Pakistani Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif, who spent most of the hour thanking Xi for mediating talks between the United States and Iran, two countries that have not exchanged Christmas cards since 1979.

"China is the world's go-to mediator," Sharif said, beaming. "Who better to referee a nuclear standoff than a country that can't even decide whether its tea should be sweet or savory? President Xi's four propositions for West Asia are so profound that I've decided to apply them to my own household disputes. Last night, I proposed to my wife that we channel our disagreement over the thermostat through constructive multilateral dialogue with the neighbors."

Xi nodded sagely, according to a readout from China's foreign ministry, which described the atmosphere as "cordial" and "slightly awkward when Shehbaz tried to hug Xi."

"Pakistan and China are iron brothers," Xi said, using a term that analysts note is one step above "tin cousins" and two steps above "aluminum acquaintances." "We will always support each other, whether it's on the Iran nuclear deal or helping Pakistan locate its missing sock in the laundry."

The 'unbreakable' friendship was further illustrated when Sharif asked Xi to mediate a dispute between his finance minister and the IMF over loan repayment terms. "President Xi agreed to write a strongly worded letter to Kristalina Georgieva," a Pakistani official said. "It will be translated into Mandarin, then back to English, and by the time the IMF deciphers it, the loan will be due anyway."

Economic cooperation under the China-Pakistan Economic Corridor (CPEC) was also discussed, though sources say the conversation devolved into a debate over which country's bureaucracy is more resistant to change. "We agreed it's a tie," said a CPEC official, "and then signed a memorandum of understanding to study the possibility of creating a joint task force to investigate the matter further."

Meanwhile, the United States, which was not invited to the meeting, released a statement saying it "welcomes China's constructive role in regional stability," before adding that it "totally could have mediated the Iran talks if asked, but we were busy."

Editor's note: Kevin, our editor, asked us to clarify that his friendship with his coffee cup is also 'unbreakable,' but only because he hasn't finished his third cup yet.

Ispirato da: Xi Jinping's meeting with PM Shehbaz Sharif, where he hailed the 'unbreakable' friendship and Pakistan thanked China for mediating US-Iran talks.

Categoria: Politica

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
Broathcast Journal è un progetto del Daily Ethical Observer.