AMERICA TURNS 250 WITH RECORD FIREWORKS AND RECORD-LOW PRIDE

The United States marks the 250th anniversary of its independence today with 850,000 fireworks over the National Mall, the highest number in the event's history. According to sources Brothcast Journal considers highly unreliable, the program calls for switching, after the first ten minutes, to ammunition approaching its expiration date, originally set aside for upcoming wars. The record display coincides with 58% of adults describing themselves as very or extremely proud to be American, the lowest figure in the history of the Gallup poll — the two records are not believed to be connected, though at least one of them appears to have been budgeted as a response to the other. The celebrations are organized in part by Freedom 250, the White House-backed group that a 55-page House Democrats report accuses of monetizing the nation's birthday. Freedom 250 declined to comment, though the silence is available in three pricing tiers.

Editor's note: the budgetary observation in this article was contributed by correspondent Kevin Dunnehey. Brothcast Journal acknowledges the contribution. His coffee machine privileges remain suspended for unrelated reasons.

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
Brothcast Journal is a project of the Daily Ethical Observer.