U.S. Secretary of State Rubio Says Iran Deal ‘Could Take Days,’ Orders Strikes to Speed Things Up

‘Nothing says diplomacy like a little bombs-away,’ Rubio explains

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning display of diplomatic whiplash, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced Tuesday that a nuclear deal with Iran could be reached “within days” — moments after the U.S. military carried out fresh airstrikes on Iranian positions. “We are very close,” Rubio told reporters, adjusting his collar. “We just need to bomb a few more things to create the right atmosphere for negotiations.”

The Pentagon confirmed the strikes, described as “self-defense,” were aimed at protecting U.S. personnel. “We hit a radar site, a command post, and a coffee shop that was suspected of serving espresso to hostile elements,” said General Mark T. Smith. “Now that the table is set, we expect Iran to come to the bargaining table with renewed enthusiasm.”

White House Press Secretary Janelle Thompson defended the strategy, calling it “aggressive peacemaking.” “This isn’t contradiction — it’s synergy,” she said. “We are negotiating with bombs. It’s like when you’re trying to get your toddler to eat broccoli, and you shout ‘Eat it or no dessert!’ The broccoli is the peace plan. The shouting is the bombs. It’s simple parenting.”

Iran’s Foreign Ministry responded with a statement calling the strikes “a creative method of scheduling talks” and promised to send a delegation as soon as the rubble stopped smoking. “We appreciate the U.S. commitment to efficiency,” said Iranian spokesman Ali Reza. “Normally, negotiations take months. But with these motivational strikes, we can cut that down to days — or hours.”

At the State Department, employees were seen updating whiteboards. One read: “Days until deal: 2-7. Bombings until deal: 4-12.” Another: “Peace through superior firepower, literally.”

Editor’s note: Our own Kevin, who has been covering the Middle East since 2003, was seen typing the words “dip-lo-ma-cy” with a dead expression. He then deleted it and wrote “BOOM.” He has asked for a transfer to the gardening desk.

Ispirato da: DW article: Rubio says Iran deal 'could take days' while U.S. conducts strikes

Categoria: Mondo

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