US and Iran Celebrate Draft Agreement on Agreement to Eventually Draft an Agreement

Historic 14-point memo outlines shared commitment to negotiating the terms of future negotiations

GENEVA — Diplomatic sources confirmed today that the United States and Iran have reached a breakthrough in their decades-long standoff: a preliminary draft agreement that both sides agree needs to be renegotiated before it can be considered an actual agreement.

The 14-point memorandum of understanding, which neither side will release but both describe in contradictory terms, reportedly includes a preamble acknowledging that both parties have different interpretations of the word “draft.” Secretary of State Marco Rubio called it a “work in progress,” then clarified that “progress” was itself a provisional term subject to further review.

“We have never been closer to an agreement,” said Rubio, holding up a blank sheet of paper. “This represents months of painstaking work on font selection and margin settings.”

Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif countered that the document was “90 percent complete in principle, but the remaining 10 percent includes everything that matters.” According to leaked notes from the talks, the two sides remain deadlocked on Critical Issue 1: whether the agreement should be written in English or Persian. Source say a compromise using Wingdings is being explored.

Analysts point out that the very existence of a draft marks a significant step forward—since the previous draft was titled “Notes from a Very Long Phone Call That Kept Getting Disconnected.” However, the mood remains cautious. “We are cautiously optimistic that we will remain cautious for the foreseeable future,” said one State Department official who asked not to be named because he was not authorized to be cautious.

Meanwhile, a new obstacle emerged when Iranian negotiators demanded that Point 14 include a clause guaranteeing that all 13 preceding points would be subject to reinterpretation every six months. The US delegation countered by inserting an appendix allowing any point to be deleted retroactively if it turned out to be inconvenient.

“This is how diplomacy works,” explained retired Ambassador James Dobbins, now a think-tank fellow. “First you agree on what you disagree about. Then you disagree on how you agreed about that. Eventually, you agree to disagree about that too, and then you release a joint statement that everyone interprets differently. It’s a beautiful process.”

The draft is expected to be revised again next month, followed by a ceremonial signing of a document titled “Agreement to Continue Negotiations in Good Faith Until Someone Forgets Why We Started.”

Editor’s note: Kevin, our beleaguered editor, spent four hours fact-checking this article only to realize that every quote he verified was made up by the author. He has since updated his resume to read “Available for negotiable draft agreements.”

Ispirato da: Real news about US and Iran making 'progress' on a draft agreement while both sides stress nothing is final.

Categoria: Politica

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
Broathcast Journal è un progetto del Daily Ethical Observer.