TRUMP DECLARES IRAN COMPLETELY DEFEATED DAYS BEFORE HOSTING THEM AT HIS WORLD CUP

United States President Donald Trump announced on Wednesday that Iran has been "completely defeated," describing the country's military as "a complete and total mess" and declaring that "the Bully of the Middle East is DEAD." The statement was posted on Truth Social in capital letters, a format the President reserves for diplomacy.

The declaration came hours after the US military launched what it described as "self-defense strikes" against Iran following the downing of an Apache helicopter over the Strait of Hormuz. A ceasefire that took effect in April was described by officials as "still technically in place," a phrase that does not appear in any known military handbook.

In a second post, Trump called the US naval blockade of Iran "the most successful blockade in the history of Naval Warfare," adding that Iran is "doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION." He concluded with "Praise be to Allah."

The FIFA World Cup, co-hosted by the United States, begins Thursday. Iran's national football team is in the tournament. Their base camp was moved from Arizona to Mexico after uncertainty over whether they would be granted visas to enter the country that is currently bombing them. Fifteen federation officials were denied entry. The players received their visas ten days before the first match.

It is the first World Cup in history in which a host nation is at war with a participating team. The competition's official slogan remains "We Are 26."

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
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