China’s 4th ‘Routine’ Combat Patrol This Week Just Checking if Taiwan’s Navy Is Still There, Says Beijing

Both sides scramble jets and ships for the 47th time this year, citing ‘defensive readiness’ after summit that accomplished nothing.

TAIPEI—For the second time in seven days, China sent warships and fighter jets on a “combat patrol” near Taiwan, prompting Taipei to deploy its own naval vessels and aircraft in response—a ritual both sides describe as “routine” and “defensive,” despite the fact that it costs millions of dollars and accomplishes precisely nothing.

“This is just a normal training exercise to test our combat readiness,” said a spokesman for China’s Eastern Theater Command, who declined to give his name because he’s said the exact same thing 46 times this year. “We are simply ensuring that Taiwan’s navy is still there and hasn’t been replaced by a giant inflatable decoy. You never know.”

According to Taiwan’s Ministry of National Defense, the Chinese patrol involved several Type 052D destroyers and a dozen J-16 fighters, all of which flew or sailed to within 40 nautical miles of the island. In response, Taiwan scrambled four F-16s and dispatched two frigates, which reportedly waved at the Chinese ships from a safe distance before returning to port for tea.

“We monitored the entire operation and activated all necessary response protocols,” said a spokesperson for the Ministry. “Those protocols include: drinking coffee, filing a report, and tweeting a satellite photo with the caption ‘Stay vigilant.’ We are very good at these protocols.”

The latest escalation comes just days after a highly anticipated summit between U.S. President Joe Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping, where both leaders agreed to “manage differences” and “avoid conflict.” According to analysts, managing differences apparently means “doing the exact same thing you were doing before, but with slightly more energy.”

“The summit was supposed to reduce tensions,” said Dr. Mei Ling, a professor of international relations at National Taiwan University. “Instead, both sides seem to have interpreted it as a mandate to increase military posturing. It’s like two neighbors agreeing to keep the noise down, then immediately starting a leaf-blowing contest at 6 a.m.”

China has not publicly commented on the specific patrol, but a source familiar with the matter—who asked not to be identified because he was laughing too hard—confirmed that the operation was indeed “just another day at the office.” The source added that Chinese commanders are considering adding a “circle-the-island” achievement badge for ships that complete the patrol without running aground.

Meanwhile, Taiwan’s government has urged calm while also reminding citizens that the island is fully capable of defending itself. “We have a state-of-the-art air defense system, a highly trained military, and a world-class supply of bubble tea,” said President Tsai Ing-wen in a televised address. “We are not afraid. We are just very, very tired.”

Editor's note: Kevin, our overworked editor, spent three hours staring at a map of the Taiwan Strait before muttering, “This is just the same story every week. Can’t we just write a script and let a robot file it?” He was told that a robot already writes the Chinese patrol schedule. Kevin did not find this comforting.

Ispirato da: Real news about China conducting a second combat patrol near Taiwan and Taiwan deploying ships and jets in response

Categoria: Politica

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
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