Alberta Secession Vote Delayed After Oil Sands Accidentally Float Away During Referendum Prep

Carney warns secession is a 'dangerous bluff,' but province can't even keep its land attached

EDMONTON—Former Bank of England governor Mark Carney has warned that Alberta’s proposed secession referendum is a “dangerous bluff” that could lead to economic chaos, much like Brexit. But the warning may be moot after a bizarre incident Tuesday: the entire Athabasca oil sands region apparently detached from the Earth’s crust and began drifting toward the Pacific Ocean.

“We were just setting up the ballot boxes when we felt a rumble,” said provincial election official Gord Murchison. “Then I looked out the window and saw what looked like a giant floating asphalt island heading west. It was moving at about three knots. My first thought was, ‘There goes our GDP.’”

Premier Danielle Smith, who had championed the referendum as a way to “take back control” of Alberta’s energy resources, was reportedly seen chasing the floating oil sands with a canoe and a lasso. “This is a temporary setback,” Smith told reporters as she paddled furiously. “The vote will proceed. We’ll just have to reconfigure the boundaries. Possibly include parts of British Columbia if we drift into them.”

Carney, speaking at a Calgary Rotary Club luncheon, drew parallels to the Brexit vote, calling Smith’s plan “a reckless gamble with the nation’s future.” He added, “But I must say, I never saw a floating secession movement coming. That’s a new one. Even the UK didn’t have to deal with its coal reserves literally sailing away.”

Environmental groups were quick to claim responsibility. “We didn’t think they’d actually let go of the land,” said a spokesperson for Extinction Rebellion Alberta, who asked not to be named. “We’ve been trying to get the tar sands to detach for years. We just never thought it would work. Frankly, we’re as surprised as anyone.”

Meanwhile, economists are scrambling to calculate the value of a drifting oil patch. “If it reaches international waters, does it become its own country?” asked University of Alberta economist Fiona Tremblay. “Or is it just a very large, messy houseboat? Also, who pays the property tax? This is going to be a nightmare for the insurance industry.”

According to our editor Kevin, who spent the morning trying to track the floating oil sands on Google Maps, “I’ve been watching it drift. It’s currently passing near Jasper, but it’s losing pieces. There are bitumen chunks washing up on the shores of a lake that wasn’t there yesterday. I think I need a drink.”

Premier Smith has declared a state of emergency and announced a new referendum question: “Should Alberta remain part of Canada, even if its largest natural resource has decided to become a rogue archipelago?” Polls suggest 67% of Albertans would vote to stay—assuming they can still find their homes.

Carney concluded his speech with a grim note: “In the end, Brexit was about sovereignty. This is about literally losing your province. I’m not sure which is worse. Actually, I am. It’s this.”

Ispirato da: Mark Carney warns Alberta secession vote is a 'dangerous bluff' like Brexit

Categoria: Politica

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
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