Next CEO Blames Automation for Killing Entry-Level Jobs, Announces New AI That Will Replace 500 More

Lord Wolfson says ‘the market is changing’ while personally changing the market with a robot army

In a stunning display of self-awareness, Lord Wolfson, the chief executive of Next, has warned that entry-level jobs are undergoing a ‘dramatic’ decline—only to immediately reveal that his own company has just deployed a new fleet of AI-powered robots that will eliminate 500 additional low-skilled positions.

‘The data is clear: twice as many applicants are chasing half the jobs,’ said Lord Wolfson, speaking from a glass-walled office overlooking a warehouse where robotic arms silently folded sweaters. ‘It’s a structural shift in the economy. We’ve had to install 15 more self-checkout lanes and a fully automated sorting system to stay competitive. Nobody could have predicted this.’

But according to leaked internal Next memos obtained by Broathcast Journal, the company has been actively accelerating automation for years. One document, titled ‘Project Employee Minimization 2027,’ outlines plans to reduce human headcount by 40% through a combination of ‘strategic AI adoption’ and ‘aggressive redefinition of core competencies.’ A footnote reads: ‘When we say core competencies, we mean robots.’

‘It’s a vicious cycle,’ admitted Mark Frobisher, a former Next HR manager who now works as a career counselor. ‘Lord Wolfson goes on TV to lament the lack of entry-level jobs, then returns to the office to approve a budget for 200 more automated forklifts. The man is both the prophet and the plague.’

When asked about the apparent contradiction, Lord Wolfson shook his head sadly. ‘Look, I’m not the problem. The problem is that young people today don’t want to work in warehouses. They want meaningful, tech-driven careers. Coincidentally, Next is hiring for six new positions in robotic maintenance. The qualifications are a degree in mechatronics and three years of experience with industrial automation. Entry-level? Well, that’s a subjective term.’

Jobseekers interviewed outside a Next distribution center expressed confusion. ‘I applied for a stockroom role, but the automated system rejected my CV because I didn’t have a background in machine learning,’ said 22-year-old Chloe Barnes. ‘I asked if I could just restock shelves manually, and the chatbot said, “That function is not available at this time.” Then it offered me a coupon for 15% off a robot vacuum.’

Editor’s note: Kevin, our beleaguered editor, read this story and muttered, ‘So the guy who’s burning down the house is also the fire chief giving press conferences about the rising number of fires. Got it.’ He then submitted a request to automate his own job. It was denied. 'The AI refused,' he said. 'It said my role required “a human touch.” Ironic, isn’t it?'

Meanwhile, Lord Wolfson remains undeterred. ‘The future of retail is efficiency,’ he declared, as a robot arm gently nudged him out of the frame for a promotional photo. ‘And if you can’t beat the robots, you should probably invest in them. Next stock is up 3% this week. Thank you for your concern.’

Ispirato da: Next CEO warns of dramatic decline in entry-level jobs while his company automates them

Categoria: Economia

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
Broathcast Journal è un progetto del Daily Ethical Observer.