Doctors Told to Ask Teens About Screen Time Like They’re Holding a Secondhand Juul

‘We Noticed Kids Were Glowing Blue Instead of Orange,’ Says Medical Academy

LONDON – In a bold new policy that has the nation’s adolescents rolling their eyes so hard they might pull a muscle, the Academy of Medical Royal Colleges has declared that social media may be as damaging to young people as smoking. And just like with smoking, they’ve decided the best course of action is to have doctors ask about it, presumably while holding a tiny cardboard sign that says ‘Have you tried not scrolling?’

The academy’s position statement, released Tuesday, urges physicians to treat excessive social media use as a potential health risk on par with tobacco, diet, and exercise—though unlike tobacco, it does not recommend banning it, warning about it on every package, or forcing kids to stand 40 feet from the school. Instead, doctors will simply ask: “So, how many hours a day do you stare at a rectangle of lightning?”

“The evidence is now strong enough that we can no longer ignore the parallels between the harm caused by social media and the harm caused by smoking,” said Dr. Eleanor Frobisher, a spokesperson for the academy, adjusting her spectacles. “Just as doctors routinely ask about smoking, they should now be asking about screen time. Also, if the patient is holding a Juul while scrolling, we count that as two questions.”

Under the proposed approach, doctors will not only ask about the amount of time young people spend online but also about the nature of their engagement—whether they are passively scrolling, interacting with peers, or being exposed to distressing material like a bad meme. “We want to identify at-risk individuals early,” said Frobisher. “For example, if a 14-year-old says their favorite app is X, that’s a red flag right there.”

The academy’s call comes amid growing research linking heavy social media use to increased rates of anxiety, depression, poor sleep, and body image issues—basically, everything that also describes your average Tuesday. The organization argues that the addictive design of many platforms, combined with exposure to harmful content and cyberbullying, creates a “toxic environment for developing minds.” Unlike smoking, which is also toxic but at least comes with a free lighter.

Critics, however, caution against drawing too direct a comparison between social media and smoking, noting that tobacco has clear, well-documented physical harms, while the effects of social media are more like a slow, existential dread. “You can’t treat a Twitter feed like a pack of Marlboros,” said Kevin, editor of Broathcast Journal, who has been staring at a blank screen for three hours. “I’d rather have lung cancer than see another ‘thoughts and prayers’ tweet. At least the cough gives me something to do.”

To help doctors implement the new guidelines, the NHS is reportedly considering distributing “quit scrolling” patches, though they have not yet confirmed whether they will be available in a watermelon flavor. The patches are expected to emit a gentle electric shock every time the user opens TikTok, which is essentially the same as the app’s notification system but with more voltage.

When asked whether the government plans to introduce plain packaging for social media apps, a spokesperson for the Department of Health said, “We are considering requiring Instagram to display a picture of a depressed skeleton on its login screen.” The representative then burst into tears and asked if they could go offline.

Editor’s note: Kevin asked us to clarify that he did not, in fact, cry while writing this article. He just stared at his phone for four hours and then accidentally liked a post from 2016.

Ispirato da: UK medical academy says social media may be as harmful as smoking, urges doctors to ask about screen time

Categoria: Tech

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
Broathcast Journal è un progetto del Daily Ethical Observer.