BP Chair Axed for Being 'Too Ethical'; Board Claims Greenwashing Efforts Undermined

Company announces new chair must have 'realistic' approach to climate pledges and at least 20% more fossil fuel enthusiasm

LONDON — BP’s board of directors has ousted its chair over what it called “serious conduct concerns,” but sources close to the company have revealed the true offense: he took the firm’s net-zero promises literally.

The chair, identified by colleagues as a man who once suggested BP stop drilling for new oil, was removed after senior independent director Amanda Blanc expressed that the board was “surprised and disappointed” to learn the chair had been trying to actually implement the climate strategy the company announced in 2020.

“We were completely blindsided,” Blanc told reporters. “One minute he’s smiling in the annual report photo, the next he’s asking us to consider science-based targets for emissions reductions. It was deeply unprofessional.”

According to internal memos obtained by Broathcast Journal, the chair’s misconduct included: insisting BP invest in renewable energy instead of buying back shares, publicly endorsing a carbon tax, and—most egregiously—referring to the company’s net-zero plan as a “moral imperative” during a board dinner.

“That was the final straw,” said a board member who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We’re an oil company, not a church. Our shareholders expect us to maximize profits while filming ads about wind turbines. You can’t just go around actually reducing emissions.”

The replacement search is reportedly focusing on candidates with a “more balanced” view of climate change—that is, they acknowledge it exists but refuse to let it affect business decisions. BP declined to comment on whether the new chair must sign a pledge to never mention the Paris Agreement during quarterly earnings calls.

Editor’s note: Kevin, our editor, spent three hours trying to verify if this story was satire or real. He has since unsubscribed from all environmental newsletters and is considering a career in fossil fuel PR.

“Let’s be clear,” Blanc concluded. “BP is committed to becoming a net-zero company by 2050—or whenever it stops being profitable, whichever comes first. That’s the kind of leadership we need.”

Ispirato da: BP chair removed over 'serious' conduct concerns

Categoria: Economia

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
Broathcast Journal è un progetto del Daily Ethical Observer.