REAL MADRID HIRES MOURINHO THIRTEEN YEARS LATER AFTER SCANNING THE WRONG KNEE

Real Madrid have confirmed José Mourinho as head coach on a two-year deal, thirteen years after his first departure. The appointment follows two trophyless seasons, the dismissal of Xabi Alonso, the interim appointment and removal of reserve team coach Álvaro Arbeloa, and a medical incident in which club staff performed an MRI on Kylian Mbappé's right knee while his left one contained a partial ligament tear. Mbappé played three matches on the undiagnosed injury before seeking a second opinion in Paris.

It remains unclear how a medical team examined the wrong leg of a fully conscious adult without the adult mentioning it. Mbappé is reportedly able to distinguish left from right, a skill generally considered useful in orthopedic medicine, and was at the time experiencing pain exclusively in one of the two.

Benfica president Rui Costa publicly stated in February that Mourinho would remain at the club. Mourinho's departure will cost Real Madrid €15 million in compensation, which by current Bernabéu standards qualifies as a minor administrative expense.

Mourinho's return was announced via a campaign video in which the Portuguese coach appeared in a Real Madrid shirt and said a single word: "Yes." It is unclear whether the word referred to the job offer or to the question of whether he had seen enough.

Brothcast Journal correspondent Kevin Dunnehey asked whether the medical staff who examined the wrong knee would be retained under the new management. He was informed that the question itself had been examined and found to concern the wrong topic. His security badge was confiscated and returned facing the wrong way.

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
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