Sunday, June 14, 2026
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China Accuses Quad of Forming Exclusive Small Cliques, Vows to Form Bigger, More Inclusive Clique of Its Own

Beijing insists its own alliance with Russia, Iran, and North Korea is ‘not a clique’ but a ‘group of like-minded friends who happen to meet every other week’

⚡ QUESTO ARTICOLO È SATIRA ⚡

Beijing insists its own alliance with Russia, Iran, and North Korea is ‘not a clique’ but a ‘group of like-minded friends who happen to meet every other week’

BEIJING—China formally condemned the Quadrilateral Security Dialogue on Tuesday for creating “exclusive small cliques” in the Indo-Pacific, even as Beijing moved to expand what diplomats are calling the “Most Inclusive Clique Ever Assembled,” a rotating membership of nations that agree with China on everything.

The Quad—the United States, India, Japan, and Australia—announced new maritime surveillance and port infrastructure initiatives, which China’s foreign ministry labeled “divisive and clique-y.” But hours later, state media reported that China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, and several other nations had formed the “Coalition for Authentic Multilateralism (CAM)”, a group that explicitly excludes any country that has ever criticized China.

“We oppose any exclusive grouping that targets specific countries,” said foreign ministry spokesperson Zhao Lijian, reading from a prepared statement while standing next to Russian and Iranian officials. “That’s why we’ve created CAM, which is open to any country that shares our values—primarily, never saying anything bad about China. It’s the least exclusive group in the world, provided you pass the loyalty test.”

The new coalition held its inaugural meeting via video conference, during which members reportedly spent 45 minutes accusing the West of forming cliques, followed by a unanimous vote to expand military cooperation in the South China Sea.

“It’s simple: If I do it, it’s inclusive multilateralism. If they do it, it’s an exclusive small clique,” explained Zhang Weiwei, a political scientist at Fudan University. “This distinction is taught in Chinese kindergartens, alongside the correct way to fold a flag.”

Analysts noted that the Quad’s new measures include shared port access and joint patrols—initiatives remarkably similar to those China has pursued with Russia and Pakistan. “The only difference is branding,” said Dr. Priya Sharma of the Institute for Peace Studies. “The Quad calls itself a ‘dialogue’; China calls its alliances ‘comprehensive strategic partnerships of eternal friendship.’ Marketing matters.”

Editor’s note: Kevin, our editor, spent two hours trying to find a definition of “exclusive small clique” in the Oxford English Dictionary. He eventually gave up and wrote “Alliances I don’t like” in the margin of the article. He has since been banned from Chinese state media briefings.

“China is not building a clique; we are building a community with a shared future for mankind,” said Zhao, adding that the community’s first rule is that all members must recognize Taiwan as part of China. “It’s totally different from a clique. A clique implies smallness. Our community is vast. It includes, for example, the entire landmass of the South China Sea.”

The foreign ministry also released a diagram titled “How to Spot an Exclusive Small Clique,” which featured a picture of the Quad with red X’s over it, and a picture of CAM with green checkmarks. The diagram is mandatory reading for all Chinese schoolchildren, right after the lesson on why the Quad is bad.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Quad declined to comment, citing a busy schedule of “planning new exclusive lunch dates.”

📰 Ispirato a fatti reali — Questo articolo è una riscrittura satirica di una notizia vera. I fatti sono stati esagerati, distorti o reinventati a scopo comico. Fonte originale

Ispirato da: China opposes Quad statement on maritime cooperation as exclusive clique

Categoria: Politica


Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
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